Tag: humor

Signs

Joe AuBuchon

A SIGN IN A SHOE REPAIR STORE IN VANCOUVER THAT READ:
“We will heel you.
“We will save your sole.
“We will even dye for you.”

Sign over a Gynaecologist’s Office:
“Dr. Jones, at your cervix.”

In a Podiatrist’s office:
“Time wounds all heels.”

On a Septic Tank Truck:
Yesterday’s Meals on Wheels

At an Optometrist’s Office:
“If you don’t see what you’re looking for,
You’ve come to the right place.”

On a Plumber’s truck :
“We repair what your husband fixed.”

On another Plumber’s truck:
“Don’t sleep with a drip. Call your plumber.”

At a Tyre Shop in Milwaukee :
“Invite us to your next blowout.”

On an Electrician’s truck:
“Let us remove your shorts.”

In a Non-smoking Area:
“If we see smoke, we will assume you are on fire and will take appropriate action.”

On a Maternity Room door:
“Push. Push. Push.”

At a Car Dealership:
“The best way to get back on your feet – miss a car payment.”

Outside a Muffler Shop
“No appointment necessary. We hear you coming.”

In a Veterinarian’s waiting room:
“Be back in 5 minutes. Sit! Stay!”

At the Electric Company:
“We would be delighted if you send in your payment on time. However, if you don’t, YOU will be de-lighted.”

In a Restaurant window:
“Don’t stand there and be hungry; come on in and get fed up.”

In the front yard of a Funeral Home:
“Drive carefully. We’ll wait.”

At a Propane Filling Station:
“Thank Heaven for little grills.”

In a Chicago Radiator Shop
“Best place in town to take a leak.”

And the best one for last…
Sign on the back of another Septic Tank Truck:
“Caution – This Truck is full of Political Promises”

By the way the sign at the top is real. At our villa in Corfu there was one in each bathroom next to the loo. Although I did not ask the owners, I am going to “assume” that the villa, which was on a hillside, was not connected to a sewage system such as most of us are used to but to an on-site septic tank.

And, yes, there was a small covered bin next to each toilet for the used paper.

And, no, the bathrooms did not smell — and, after the first day, accidental paper flushing was uncommon.

Redneck Humor

Joe AuBuchon

Two Kentucky rednecks are out hunting, and as they are walking along they came upon a huge hole in the ground.

They approach it and are amazed at the size of it. Billy Joe Bob says, “Wow, that’s some hole; I can’t even see the bottom. I wonder how deep it is?”

Lester replies, “I don’t know. Let’s throw somethin’ down there, listen and see how long it takes to hit bottom.”

Billy Joe Bob says, “Hey, there’s an old automobile transmission over there. Gimme a hand, we’ll throw it in and see.”

So they pick up the rusted tranny and carry it over and count “one, two, three” and heave it in the hole.

They stay standing next to the sinkhole listening and looking over the edge, when they hear a rustling behind them. As they turn around, they see a goat come crashing through the underbrush, run up to the hole and, without hesitation, jump in headfirst.

While they are standing there staring at each other in amazement, peering into the hole and trying to figure out what that was all about, an old farmer saunters up.

“Say there,” says the farmer, “You fellers didn’t happen to see my goat around here anywheres, did ya ?”

Billy Joe Bob says, “Funny you should ask, but we were just standing here a minute ago and a goat came running out of the bushes doin’ bout a hunnert miles an hour and jumped . . . headfirst into this here hole!!”

The old farmer said, “Naw, that’s impossible . . . I had him chained to a transmission!!!”

Humor — Morals and Nutrition — or lack thereof . . .

Joe AuBuchon

Attempt at Humor #1 — Morals

A teacher told her young class to ask their parents for a family story with a moral at the end of it, and to return the next day to tell their stories.

In the classroom the next day, Sam told his story first, “My dad is a farmer and we have chickens. One day we were taking lots of eggs to market in a basket on the front seat of the truck when we hit a big bump in the road; the basket fell off the seat and all the eggs broke. The moral of the story is not to put all your eggs in one basket.”

“Very good,” said the teacher.

Next, Mary said, “We are farmers too. We had twenty eggs waiting to hatch, but when they did we only got ten chicks. The moral of this story is not to count your chickens before they’re hatched.”

“Excellent!” said the teacher again, very pleased with the response so far.

Next it was Barney’s turn to tell his story: “My dad told me this story about my Aunt Karen … Aunt Karen was a flight engineer in the war and her plane got hit. She had to bail out over enemy territory and all she had was a bottle of whisky, a machine gun and a machete.”

“Go on,” said the teacher, intrigued.

“Aunt Karen drank the whisky on the way down to prepare herself; then she landed right in the middle of a hundred enemy soldiers.

“She killed seventy of them with the machine gun until she ran out of bullets. Then she killed twenty more with the machete until the blade broke. And then she killed the last ten with her bare hands.”

“Good heavens,” said the horrified teacher. “What did your father say was the moral of that frightening story?”

“Stay away from Aunt Karen when she’s drunk.”

Attempt at Humor #2 — Nutrition

A doctor was addressing a large audience in Oxford on the subject of modern nutrition.

“The rubbish we put into our stomachs should have killed most of us sitting here, years ago.

“Red meat is full of steroids and dye. Soft drinks corrode your stomach lining. Chinese food is loaded with MSG. High trans-fat diets can be disastrous, and none of us realize the long-term harm caused by the germs in our drinking water.

“But, there is one food that is the most dangerous of all and most of us have, or will eat it.

“Can anyone here tell me what food it is that causes the most grief and suffering for years after eating it?”

After several seconds of quiet, a 70-year-old man in the front row raised his hand, and softly said:

“Wedding Cake?”

Humor #3 — Poetry

Laugh And Be Merry

    By John Masefield

Laugh and be merry, remember, better the world with a song,
Better the world with a blow in the teeth of a wrong.
Laugh, for the time is brief, a thread the length of a span.
Laugh and be proud to belong to the old proud pageant of man.


Laugh and be merry: remember, in olden time.
God made Heaven and Earth for joy He took in a rhyme,
Made them, and filled them full with the strong red wine of
His mirth
The splendid joy of the stars: the joy of the earth.

So we must laugh and drink from the deep blue cup of the sky,
Join the jubilant song of the great stars sweeping by,
Laugh, and battle, and work, and drink of the wine outpoured
In the dear green earth, the sign of the joy of the Lord.

Laugh and be merry together, like brothers akin,
Guesting awhile in the rooms of a beautiful inn,
Glad till the dancing stops, and the lilt of the music ends.
Laugh till the game is played; and be you merry, my friends.

Humor — Flight or Fight

Joe AuBuchon

Flight Humor(?)

A well-known Irish airline was just about to finish boarding its one hundred ninety-seven passengers for the late afternoon flight from Dublin to Boston when Mary O’Hara, the lead stewardess, found they had a problem. She’d just finished inventorying the food supplies and realized there was only one dinner cart, not the five the flight usually carried.

She quickly called the catering company to inquire about the remaining meals and was told there had been an accident on the way to the airport and the meals wouldn’t arrive in time for the plane’s departure. Mary walked from the galley in the middle of the plane, deftly avoiding the passengers being seated and the luggage being thrown into the overhead bins, to the pilot cabin and informed the captain of the problem.

After thinking the situation through for a couple of minutes, the pilot said, “Okay, Mary, thanks. I’ll take care of it.” She then returned to the main cabin to finish seating the passengers and give the safety demonstration–wondering at the last expression on the pilot’s face.

As the co-pilot taxied the Airbus to the main runway for take-off, the pilot addressed the passengers over the intercom: “Ladies and gentlemen, this is Captain Timothy O’Bannon. I’d like to welcome you aboard Flight 317 from Dublin to Boston and update you on flight conditions. The Jet Stream over the Atlantic has strengthened substantially over the last several hours and the additional headwinds will add about a half an hour to our flight time.

“On an unrelated note our catering company’s delivery truck suffered an accident on its way to the airport and as a result we are short of meals for this evening’s dinner. Instead of two hundred meals we have only forty on board. If you would like to help out your fellow travelers and do without dinner, please inform one of our stewards or stewardesses. Those of you who choose to forego dinner will be treated to an evening of free drinks as we do have a rather well-stocked bar.”

About an hour out of Boston, Mary announced over the intercom: “Ladies and gentlemen, we still have forty dinners warming in the galley if anyone is hungry.”

Captain O’Bannon just chuckled as he began his pre-descent check list.

Fight Humor

James Seltzer was filthy rich, retired and newly moved to south Florida. In mid-June he decided that he wanted to throw a party and invited all of his buddies and neighbors. He also invited Leroy, the neighborhood redneck.

He held the party around the pool in the backyard of his mansion. Leroy was having a good time drinking, dancing, eating shrimp, oysters and BBQ and flirting with all the women.

At the height of the party, the host said, “I have a 10-foot man-eating gator in my pool and I’ll give a million dollars to anyone who has the nerve to jump in.”

The words were barely out of his mouth when there was a loud splash. Everyone turned around and saw Leroy in the pool!

Leroy was fighting the gator and kicking its rear! Leroy was jabbing it in the eyes with his thumbs, throwing punches, head butts and choke holds, biting the gator on the tail and flipping it through the air like some kind of judo instructor.

The water was churning and splashing everywhere. Both Leroy and the gator were screaming and raising heck.

American Alligator -- Humor?
American Alligator

Eventually, Leroy strangled the gator and let it float to the top like a dime store goldfish. Leroy then slowly climbed out of the pool. Everybody was just staring at him in disbelief.

Finally, the host says, “Well, Leroy, I reckon I owe you a million dollars.”

“No, that’s okay. I don’t want it,” said Leroy.

The rich man said, “Man, I have to give you something — you won the bet. How about half a million bucks then?”

“No thanks, I don’t want it,” answered Leroy.

The host said, “Come on, I insist on giving you something. That was amazing. How about a new Porsche and a Rolex and some stock options?”

“No,” said Leroy a third time.

Confused, Seltzer asked, “Well, Leroy, then what do you want?”

Leroy said, “I want the name of the summamabich that pushed me in the pool!”

Alligator photo from: http://www.miamidiscounttours.com/american-alligator-miami-everglades-tours

 

Humor by the Package (Carrier)

Joe AuBuchon

Humor

After every flight, pilots from a major and well-known package delivery firm fill out a form, called a “gripe sheet” which tells mechanics about problems with the aircraft. The mechanics correct the problems, document their repairs on the form, then pilots review the gripe sheets before the next flight.

Never let it be said that ground crews lack a sense of humor. Here are actual maintenance complaints submitted by these same pilots (“P”) and solutions recorded (“S”) by maintenance engineers:

P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.

P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.

P: Something loose in cockpit.
S: Something tightened in cockpit.

P: Dead bugs on windshield.
S: Live bugs on back-order.

P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute descent.
S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.

P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
S: Evidence removed.

P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
S: DME volume set to more believable level.

Package Deal - Humor - Gratuitous cat picture.
Gratuitous cat picture.

P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
S: That’s what friction locks are for.

P: IFF inoperative in OFF mode.
S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.

P: Suspected crack in windshield.
S: Suspect you’re right.

P: Number 3 engine missing.
S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.

P: Aircraft handles funny.
S: Aircraft warned to: straighten up, fly right, and be serious.

P: Target radar hums.
S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.

P: Mouse in cockpit.
S: Cat installed.

P: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget pounding on something with a hammer.
S: Took hammer away from midget.

I used to wonder what it would be like to read other people’s minds . . . then I got a Facebook account . . . .

Hope you got a chuckle or two.