LEXIPHILIA – WHO ON EARTH DREAMS THESE UP?

LEXIPHILIA – WHO ON EARTH DREAMS THESE UP?

A lexophile, of course! (A lover of words, especially in word games, puzzles, anagrams, etc.)

Venison for dinner again? Oh deer!

How does Moses make tea? Hebrews it.

England has no kidney bank, but it does have a Liverpool.

I tried to catch some fog, but I mist.

They told me I had type-A blood, but it was a Typo.

I changed my iPod’s name to Titanic. It’s syncing now.

Jokes about German sausage are the wurst.

I know a guy who’s addicted to brake fluid, but he says he can stop any time.

I stayed up all night to see where the sun went, and then it dawned on me.

This girl said she recognized me from the vegetarian club, but I’d never met herbivore.

When chemists die, they barium.

I’m reading a book about anti-gravity. I just can’t put it down.

Why were the Indians here first? They had reservations.

I didn’t like my beard at first. Then it grew on me.

Did you hear about the cross-eyed teacher who lost her job because she couldn’t control her pupils?

When you get a bladder infection, urine trouble.

Broken pencils are pointless.

What do you call a dinosaur with an extensive vocabulary? A thesaurus.

I got a job at a bakery because I kneaded dough.

Velcro – what a rip off!

Don’t worry about old age; it doesn’t last.

You can tune a piano, but you can’t tuna fish.

Cold Water

Cold Water

This is for all the germ conscious folks that worry about using cold water to clean.

John went to visit his 90 year old grandfather in a very secluded, rural area of Saskatchewan.

After spending a great evening chatting the night away, the next morning John’s grandfather prepared breakfast of bacon, eggs and toast.

However, John noticed a film like substance on his plate, and questioned his grandfather asking, “Are these plates clean?”

His grandfather replied, “They’re as clean as cold water can get ’em. Just you go ahead and finish your meal, Sonny!”

For lunch the old man made hamburgers.

Again, John was concerned about the plates, as his appeared to have tiny specks around the edge that looked like dried egg and asked, “Are you sure these plates are clean?”

Without looking up the old man said, “Told you before, Sonny, those dishes are as clean as cold water can get them. Now don’t you fret, I don’t want to hear another word about it!”

Later that afternoon, John was on his way to a nearby town and as he was leaving, his grandfather’s dog started to growl, and wouldn’t let him pass.

John yelled and said, “Grandfather, your dog won’t let me get to my car.”

Without diverting his attention from the football game he was watching on TV, the old man shouted, “Coldwater, go lay down now, yah hear me!”

Meet Coldwater!
Have a fabulous STRESS FREE day!

Marriage in Heaven

On their way to the church to get married, a young Catholic couple were involved in a fatal car accident.

Being good Catholics, the young couple find themselves sitting outside the Pearly Gates waiting for St. Peter to process them into Heaven.

While waiting, they begin to wonder: could they possibly get married in Heaven?

When St. Peter finally showed up, they asked him.

St. Peter said “I don’t know. This is the first time anyone has asked. Let me go find out,” and he leaves them sitting at the Gate.

After three months, St. Peter finally returns, looking somewhat bedraggled. “Yes,” he informs the couple, “I can get you married in Heaven.”

“Great!” said the couple, “But we were just wondering, what if things don’t work out? Could we also get a divorce in Heaven?”

“You must be bloody joking,” says St. Peter, red-faced with frustration, slamming his clipboard on the ground.

“What’s wrong?” asked the frightened couple.”

“OH, COME ON!” St. Peter shouted “It took me three months to find a priest up here…..Do you have any idea how long it’ll take me to find a lawyer?”

Or Marriage in . . .

A guy brings his best golf buddy home, unannounced, for dinner at 6:30 PM after enjoying a day of golf.

His wife screams her head off while his friend sits at the kitchen table, open mouthed, listening to the tirade.

“My hair and makeup are not done; the house is a f__king mess, and the dishes are still in the sink. I’m completely exhausted! I didn’t get enough sleep last night. Can’t you see I’m still in my f__king pajamas? I can’t be bothered with cooking tonight! Why the f__k did you bring him home without letting me know ahead of time, you stupid asshole???”

“Because … he’s thinking of getting married…”

RV Trip with Di, Joe, Mist, Smoke — Summer 2018 — 5

RVing Trip — Part 5

Check-out time is the usual 11:00 am. So about 9:00 am after coffee and tea, Di and I scoot and walk back to the casino so she can get a last dose of slot machine video gaming.

10:45 am and we’re back on the road and headed north along US 101. It’s a beautiful day and traffic is comparatively light.

Elk

Usually we turn inland at Reedsport and stop at the Dean Creek Elk Viewing Area on Oregon 38 paralleling the Umpqua River. There is a year-round resident herd of 60-100 elk and a large parking area with restrooms. Pleasant to spend time watching and photographing the animals.

OR 38 leads to I-5 and from there to the Columbia River Gorge and I-84.

Today, however, we’re continuing along US 101 and enjoying the coastal road and its scenery. This takes us past the Sea Lion Caves, which we’ve seen previously, and is well worth an hour’s stop. (Just be careful crossing the highway from the parking area and take a jacket with you.)

To McMinnville

I fuel up the RV in Florence (19.00 mpg) and our RVing turns inland just after Lincoln City on OR 18 (Salmon River Highway) on our way McMinnville, OR and the Evergreen Aviation & Space Museum.  (Evergreen Aviation Museum Website.)

Next to the museum is the Olde Stone Village RV Park. It is a quite nice venue and just about everything looks new. There is a paved path from the RV park to the museum and we take her scooter. We purchase tickets and enjoy some time there, deciding to come back the next day and spend another night at Olde Stone.

Upon our return to our RV there is a light rain and I unfurl the awning so Di can read and smoke at the table along side. Dinner is a pair of Subway sandwiches from a few miles up the road.

Alongside us is a trio in two vehicles plus a towed dune-buggy. They are an older couple (like us) and their adult daughter w/small dog. While mom and dad sleep in their camper, the daughter has a rooftop tent on her car for herself and the pooch.

To be continued . . .

RV Trip with Di, Joe, Mist, Smoke — Summer 2018 — 4

RVing Trip — Part 4

The next day is going to be a short trip into Oregon — North Bend, so we have no need to leave early. Feed the cats, tea and coffee, disconnect the electrical cable and we’re off.

We stop for fuel (17.35 mpg) in Eureka and head up US 101, mostly along the coast.

Trees of Mystery

Our one stop is at the Trees of Mystery tourist stop. In my opinion this is the best of the “tourist traps” along the coast. (#2 — Confusion Hill) It’s worth taking the walking tour and seeing the various trees and the skyway ride is worth the stop in and of itself (jitney ride to the skyway for those unable to walk to it). The statues of Paul Bunyan and Babe the Blue Ox are a great photo-op. And Paul Bunyan talks. If you wish to spend more money, there is a large gift/souvenir shop and museum.

We’ve been here before so Di doesn’t spend much but I fix her a cup of tea and she smokes a couple of cigarettes and we’re off.

RVing Travel

Being as we only have a couple of hundred miles to travel today, I take it slow and enjoy the scenery. There are many beaches, parks and viewing areas to park and take photos or just relax a bit. A great deal of the road is tight and curvy, so take it easy.

Some days there is a great deal of traffic: bicycles, motorcycles, cars, RVs and commercial/logging trucks. This is the main highway for the coast, so the traffic is year-round. There are turnouts (which most ignore) and passing lanes, but it’s best to not be in a hurry. When you pass slower traffic, you can be sure you’ll just catch up to more slower traffic in a very few minutes.

The Mill

Our destination was the Mill Casino and Hotel/RV Park in North Bend, Oregon. Check-in was easy and our spot was close to the office. Full hook-ups, Wi-fi and TV. And Di, of course, wanted to spend most of our time in the casino playing (throwing money away) at the video slot machines. So I got out her scooter, called the shuttle and away we went.

The last time we came north, three years previous, she was still able to walk with her cane and I only had to check on her once in a while. Now, however, I have to stay with her to help her out of her scooter and into the game’s chair and the reverse when she wants to switch games.

Watching her play the games is boring in the extreme and I can’t help but add up all the money she puts in — grrrrr. The facility is not smoke-free and she smokes almost constantly. Occasionally, I’ll be able to take a break and get a breath of fresh air.

We have dinner at one of the restaurants in the casino/hotel facility and then it’s back to the machines. Somewhere around ten or eleven pm we return to the RV and the cats and then to sleep.

To be continued . . .