Truly “a Story”

On July 20, 1969, as the commander of the Apollo 11 lunar module, Neil Armstrong was the first person to set foot on the moon.

His first words after stepping on the moon, “That’s one small step for (a) man, one giant leap for mankind,” were televised to Earth and heard by millions.

But, just before he re-entered the lander, he made the enigmatic remark, “Good luck, Mr. Gorsky.”

Many people at NASA thought it was a casual remark concerning some rival Soviet cosmonaut.

However, upon checking, there was no Gorsky in either the Russian or American space programs.

Over the years, many people questioned Armstrong as to what the “Good luck, Mr. Gorsky” statement meant, but Armstrong always just smiled.

On July 5, 1995, in Tampa Bay, Florida, while answering questions following a speech, a reporter brought up the 26-year-old question about Mr. Gorsky to Armstrong.

This time he finally responded because his Mr. Gorsky had just died, so Neil Armstrong felt he could now answer the question. Here is the answer to, “Who was Mr. Gorsky?”

In 1938, when he was a kid in a small mid-western town, he was playing baseball with a friend in his backyard.

His friend hit the ball, which landed in his neighbor’s yard by their bedroom window. His neighbors were Mr. and Mrs. Gorsky.

As he bent down to pick up the ball, young Armstrong heard Mrs. Gorsky shouting at Mr. Gorsky.

“Sex! You want sex?! You’ll get sex when the kid next door walks on the moon!”

It broke the place up.

Neil Armstrong’s family confirmed that this is a true story. (Or, possibly, that this is truly a story.)


Picture of the Day


Palm View of the Pacific
Palm View of the Pacific

Picture of the Day and “Mayday”

Conde B. McCullough Memorial Bridge
Conde B. McCullough Memorial Bridge, Oregon

“Mayday, Mayday!”

An air traffic control tower suddenly lost communication with a small twin engine aircraft. A moment later the tower landline rang and was answered by one of the employees.

The passenger riding with the pilot who lost communications was on a cellular phone.

He yelled, “Mayday, mayday!  The pilot had an instant and fatal heart attack. I grabbed his cell phone out of his pocket and he had told me before we took off he had the tower on his speed dial memory. I am flying upside down at 18,000 feet and traveling at 180 mph. Mayday, mayday!”

The employee in the tower immediately put him on speaker phone and said,n”Calm down, we acknowledge you and we’ll guide you down after a few questions. The first thing is not to panic. Remain calm!”

He began his series of questions:

Tower: “How do you know you are traveling at 18,000 feet?”

Aircraft: “I can see that it reads 18,000 feet on the altimeter dial in front of me.”

Tower: “Okay, that’s good, remain calm. How do you know you’re traveling at 180 mph?”

Aircraft: “I can see that it reads 180 mph on the airspeed dial in front of me.”

Tower: “Okay, this is great so far, but it’s heavily overcast. So how do you know you’re flying upside down?”

Aircraft: “The pee  in my pants is running out of my shirt collar.”

“Old is when . . .” and “Truisms”

Truisms

If I had a dollar for every girl that found me unattractive, they’d eventually find me attractive.

I find it ironic that the colors red, white, and blue stand for freedom, until they’re flashing behind you.

Today a man knocked on my door and asked for a small donation towards the local swimming pool, so I gave him a glass of water.

I changed my password to “incorrect” so whenever I forget it the computer will say, “Your password is incorrect.”

Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.

I’m great at multi-tasking–I can waste time, be unproductive, and procrastinate all at once.

If you can smile when things go wrong, you have someone in mind to blame.

Never tell your problems to anyone, because 20 percent don’t care and the other 80 percent are glad you have them.

Doesn’t expecting the unexpected mean that the unexpected is actually expected?

Take my advice — I’m not using it.

I hate it when people use big words just to make themselves sound perspicacious.

Hospitality is the art of making guests feel like they’re at home when you wish they were.

Television may insult your intelligence, but nothing rubs it in like a computer.

I bought a vacuum cleaner six months ago and so far all it’s been doing is gathering dust.

Every time someone comes up with a foolproof solution, along comes a more-talented fool.

I’ll bet you $4,567 you can’t guess how much I owe my bookie.

Behind every great man is a woman rolling her eyes.

If you keep your feet firmly on the ground, you’ll have trouble putting on your pants.

A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.

Ever stop to think and forget to start again?

When I married Ms. Right, I had no idea her first name was Always.

My wife got 8 out 10 on her driver’s test–the other two guys managed to jump out of her way.

There may be no excuse for laziness, but I’m still looking.

Women spend more time wondering what men are thinking than men spend thinking.

Give me ambiguity or give me something else.

He who laughs last thinks slowest.

Is it wrong that only one company makes the game Monopoly?

Women sometimes make fools of men, but most guys are the do-it-yourself type.

I was going to give him a nasty look, but he already had one.

Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.

The grass may be greener on the other side but at least you don’t have to mow it.

I like long walks, especially when they’re taken by people who annoy me.

I was going to wear my camouflage shirt today, but I couldn’t find it.

If at first you don’t succeed, skydiving is not for you.

Sometimes I wake up grumpy; other times I let her sleep.

If tomatoes are technically a fruit, is ketchup a smoothie?

Money is the root of all wealth.

No matter how much you push the envelope, it’ll still be stationery.


“OLD” IS WHEN…
Your sweetie says, “Let’s go upstairs and make love.”
And you answer: “Pick one, I can’t do both!”

“OLD” IS WHEN…
Your friends compliment you on your new alligator shoes
And you’re barefoot!

“OLD” IS WHEN…
A sexy babe or hunk catches your fancy ….
And your pacemaker opens the garage door!

“OLD” IS WHEN…
You don’t care where your spouse goes … Just as long as you don’t have to go along.

“OLD” IS WHEN…
You are cautioned to slow down by the doctor instead of by the police.

“OLD” IS WHEN…
“Getting lucky” means you find your car … in the parking lot.

“OLD” IS WHEN…
An “all nighter” means not getting up … to use the bathroom.

AND

“OLD” IS WHEN…
You are not sure these are jokes!

New Mexico Chili Cook-Off

New Mexico Chili Cook-off

This is an actual account as relayed to paramedics at a chili cook-off in New Mexico . . .

For those of you who have lived in New Mexico or tasted your way across it, you know how true this is. They actually have a Chili Cook-off about the time Halloween comes around. It takes up a major portion of a parking lot at the Santa Fe Plaza. Judge #3 was an inexperienced chili taster named Frank, who was visiting from Springfield, IL.

Chili -- Sharing the SoCal Autumn Sun
Sharing the SoCal Autumn Sun

Frank: “Recently, I was honored to be selected as a judge at a chili cook-off.. The original person called in sick at the last moment and I happened to be standing there at the judge’s table, asking for directions to the Coors Light truck, when the call came in. I was assured by the other two judges (Native New Mexicans) that the chili wouldn’t be all that spicy; and, besides, they told me I could have free beer during the tasting, so I accepted and became Judge #3.”

Here are the scorecard notes from the event:

CHILI # 1 – MIKE’S MANIAC MONSTER CHILI

Judge # 1 — A little too heavy on the tomato. Amusing kick.
Judge # 2 — Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.
Judge # 3 (Frank) — Holy crap, what the h— is this stuff? You could remove dried paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to put the flames out. I hope that’s the worst one. These New Mexicans are crazy.

CHILI # 2 – EL RANCHO’S AFTERBURNER CHILI

Judge # 1 — Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight jalapeno tang.
Judge # 2 — Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken seriously.
Judge # 3 — Keep this out of the reach of children. I’m not sure what I’m supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to rush in more beer when they saw the look on my face.

Chili -- Nesting
Nesting

CHILI # 3 – ALFREDO’S FAMOUS BURN DOWN THE BARN CHILI

Judge # 1 — Excellent firehouse chili Great kick.
Judge # 2 — A bit salty, good use of peppers.
Judge # 3 — Call the EPA. I’ve located a uranium spill. My nose feels like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now. Get me more beer before I ignite. The Barmaid pounded me on the back, now my backbone is in the front part of my chest. I’m getting sh*t-faced from all of the beer.

CHILI # 4 – BUBBA’S BLACK MAGIC

Judge # 1 — Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.
Judge # 2 — Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or other mild foods, not much of a chili.
Judge # 3 — I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to taste it. Is it possible to burn out taste buds? Sally, the beer maid, was standing behind me with fresh refills. This 300 lb. woman is starting to look HOT . . .  Just like this nuclear waste I’m eating! Is chili an aphrodisiac?

CHILI # 5 – LISA’S LEGAL LIP REMOVER

Judge # 1 — Meaty, strong chili. Jalapeno peppers freshly ground, adding considerable kick. Very impressive.
Judge # 2 — Chili using shredded beef, could use more tomato. Must admit the jalapeno peppers make a strong statement.
Judge # 3 — My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead and I can no longer focus my eyes. I farted, and four people behind me needed paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her chili had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring beer directly on it from the pitcher. I wonder if I’m burning my lips off. It really ticks me off that the other judges asked me to stop screaming. HELP !!

Chili -- Nesting
Nesting

CHILI # 6 – VARGA’S VERY VEGETARIAN VARIETY

Judge # 1 — Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of spices and peppers.
Judge # 2 — The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, garlic. Superb.
Judge # 3 — My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous, sulfuric flames. I crapped on myself when I farted, and I’m worried it will eat through the chair. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except that Sally. Can’t feel my lips anymore. I need to wipe my butt with a snow cone.

CHILI # 7 – SUSAN’S SCREAMING SENSATION CHILI

Judge # 1 — A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers.
Judge # 2 — Ho hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of chili peppers at the last moment. **I should take note that I am worried about Judge #3. He appears to be in a bit of distress as he is cursing uncontrollably.
Judge # 3 — You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I wouldn’t feel a thing. I’ve lost sight in one eye, and the world sounds like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chili, which slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava to match my shirt. At least during the autopsy, they’ll know what killed me. I’ve decided to stop breathing. It’s too painful.  I’m not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I’ll just suck it in through the 4-inch hole in my stomach.

CHILI # 8 – BIG TOM’S TOENAIL CURLING CHILI

Judge # 1 — The perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili. Not too bold but spicy enough to declare its existence.
Judge # 2 — This final entry is a good, balanced chili. Neither mild nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge #3 farted, passed out, fell over and pulled the chili pot down on top of himself. Not sure if he’s going to make it. Poor fella, wonder how he’d have reacted to really hot chili?
Judge # 3 — No report

Truisms or Not

Truisms or Not (shamelessly ripped off from a friend)

— If I had a dollar for every girl who found me unattractive, they’d eventually find me attractive.

— I find it ironic that the colors red, white, and blue stand for freedom, until they’re flashing behind you.

— Today a man knocked on my door and asked for a small donation towards the local swimming pool, so I gave him a glass of water.

— I changed my password to “incorrect” so whenever I forget it the computer will say, “Your password is incorrect.”

— Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.

— I’m great at multi-tasking–I can waste time, be unproductive, and procrastinate all at once.

— If you can smile when things go wrong, you have someone in mind to blame.

— Never tell your problems to anyone, because 20 percent don’t care and the other 80 percent are glad you have them.

— Doesn’t expecting the unexpected mean that the unexpected is actually expected?

— Take my advice — I’m not using it.

— I hate it when people use big words just to make themselves sound perspicacious.

— Hospitality is the art of making guests feel like they’re at home when you wish they were.

— Television may insult your intelligence, but nothing rubs it in like a computer.

— I bought a vacuum cleaner six months ago and so far all it’s been doing is gathering dust.

— Every time someone comes up with a foolproof solution, along comes a more-talented fool.

— I’ll bet you $4,567 you can’t guess how much I owe my bookie.

— Behind every great man is a woman rolling her eyes.

— If you keep your feet firmly on the ground, you’ll have trouble putting on your pants.

— A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.

— Ever stop to think and forget to start again?

— When I married Ms. Right, I had no idea her first name was Always.

— My wife got 8 out 10 on her driver’s test–the other two guys managed to jump out of her way.

— There may be no excuse for laziness, but I’m still looking.

— Women spend more time wondering what men are thinking than men spend thinking.

— Give me ambiguity or give me something else.

— He who laughs last thinks slowest.

— Is it wrong that only one company makes the game Monopoly?

— Women sometimes make fools of men, but most guys are the do-it-yourself type.

— I was going to give him a nasty look, but he already had one.

— Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.

— The grass may be greener on the other side but at least you don’t have to mow it.

— I like long walks, especially when they’re taken by people who annoy me.

— I was going to wear my camouflage shirt today, but I couldn’t find it.

— If at first you don’t succeed, skydiving is not for you.

— Sometimes I wake up grumpy; other times I let her sleep.

— If tomatoes are technically a fruit, is ketchup a smoothie?

— Money is the root of all wealth.

— No matter how much you push the envelope, it’ll still be stationery.


Oh, yeah — please, no more political posts, calls, emails, ads, snail-mail, etc — I voted today.