- Put both lids of the toilet up.
- Add 1/8 cup of pet shampoo to the water in the bowl.
- Pick up and soothe the cat while you carry him (or her) to the bathroom.
- In one smooth motion put the cat in the toilet and close the lids. Note: You may need to stand on the lid.
- At this point the cat will self-agitate and make ample suds. Note: Ignore the noises coming from the toilet as the cat is actually enjoying the bath.
- Flush the toilet several times. (This will increase the effectiveness of the process and completely rinse the cat.)
- Have another member of the household open the front door to your house. Note: Ensure that there are no people between the bathroom and the front door.
- Stand away from the toilet and quickly lift the lid. Note: You may wish to stand in the tub or shower and use a stick or broom handle to lift the lid.
- The cat will quickly exit the toilet and bathroom, sort of like 3:00 am behavior, and be out the front door before you can blink.
- The cat will dry off and groom outside. Note: You may safely ignore the cat’s dirty looks as these will disappear the next time you use the can opener. Note 2: Both the cat and the toilet will be sparkling clean.
A Golfer’s (Hard Won) Wisdom
Don’t buy a putter until you’ve had a chance to throw it.
Never try to keep more than 300 separate thoughts in your mind during your swing.
When your shot has to carry over a water hazard, you can either hit one more club or two more balls.
If you’re afraid a full shot might reach the green while the foursome ahead of you is still putting out, you have two options: you can immediately shank a lay-up or you can wait until the green is clear and top a ball halfway there.
The less skilled the player, the more likely he is to share his ideas about the golf swing.
No matter how bad you are playing, it is always possible to play worse.
The inevitable result of any golf lesson is the instant elimination of the one critical unconscious motion that allowed you to compensate for all of your many other errors.
Everyone replaces his divot after a perfect approach shot.
A golf match is a test of your skill against your opponents’ luck.
It is surprisingly easy to hole a fifty foot putt . . . for a 10.
Counting on your opponent to inform you when he breaks a rule is like expecting him to make fun of his own haircut.
Nonchalant putts count the same as chalant putts.
It’s not a gimme if you’re still away.
The shortest distance between any two points on a golf course is a straight line that passes directly through the center of a very large tree.
You can hit a two acre fairway 10% of the time and a two inch branch 90% of the time.
If you really want to get better at golf, go back and take it up at a much earlier age.
Since bad shots come in groups of three, a fourth bad shot is actually the beginning of the next group of three.
When you look up, causing an awful shot, you will always look down again at exactly the moment when you ought to start watching the ball if you ever want to see it again.
Every time a golfer makes a birdie, he must subsequently make two triple bogeys to restore the fundamental equilibrium of the universe.
If you want to hit a 7 iron as far as Tiger Woods does, simply try to lay up just short of a water hazard.
To calculate the speed of a player’s downswing, multiply the speed of his back-swing by his handicap; i.e., back-swing 20 mph, handicap 15, downswing = 300 mph.
There are two things you can learn by stopping your back-swing at the top and checking the position of your hands: how many hands you have, and which one is wearing the glove.
Hazards attract; fairways repel.
A ball you can see in the rough from 50 yards away is not yours.
If there is a ball on the fringe and a ball in the bunker, your ball is in the bunker. If both balls are in the bunker, yours is in the footprint.
It’s easier to get up at 6:00 AM to play golf than at 10:00 to mow the yard.
A good drive on the 18th hole has stopped many a golfer from giving up the game.
Golf is the perfect thing to do on Sunday because you always end up having to pray a lot.
A good golf partner is one who’s always slightly worse than you are . . . that’s why I get so many calls to play with friends.
If there’s a storm rolling in, you’ll be having the game of your life.
Golf balls are like eggs. They’re white. They’re sold by the dozen. And you need to buy fresh ones each week.
It’s amazing how a golfer who never helps out around the house will replace his divots, repair his ball marks, and rake his sand traps.
If your opponent has trouble remembering whether he shot a six or a seven, he probably shot an eight (or worse).
Divorce — Point-of-View
A judge was interviewing a Tennessee woman regarding her pending divorce and asked, “What are the grounds for your divorce?”
“About four acres and a nice little home in the middle of the property with a stream running by.”
“No,” he said, “I mean what is the foundation of this case?”
“It is made of concrete, brick, and mortar,” she responded.
“I mean,” he continued, “what are your relations like?”
“I have an aunt and uncle and 12 cousins living here in town, as well as my husband’s parents.”
The judge took a deep breath and asked, “Do you have a real grudge?”
“No, we have a two-car carport and have never really needed one coz we don’t have a car.”
“Please,” he tried again, “is there any infidelity in your marriage?”
“Yes, both my son and daughter have stereos. We don’t necessarily like the music — all that hip hop and rap trap — but we can’t seem to do anything about it.”
“Ma’am, does your husband ever beat you up?”
“Yes, he gets up every morning before I do and makes the coffee.”
Finally, in frustration, the judge asked, “Lady, why in hell do you want a divorce?”
“Oh, I don’t want a divorce,” she replied. “I’ve never wanted a divorce; my husband does. The damn fool says he can’t communicate with me.”
LEXIPHILIA – WHO ON EARTH DREAMS THESE UP?
A lexophile, of course! (A lover of words, especially in word games, puzzles, anagrams, etc.)
Venison for dinner again? Oh deer!
How does Moses make tea? Hebrews it.
England has no kidney bank, but it does have a Liverpool.
I tried to catch some fog, but I mist.
They told me I had type-A blood, but it was a Typo.
I changed my iPod’s name to Titanic. It’s syncing now.
Jokes about German sausage are the wurst.
I know a guy who’s addicted to brake fluid, but he says he can stop any time.
I stayed up all night to see where the sun went, and then it dawned on me.
This girl said she recognized me from the vegetarian club, but I’d never met herbivore.
When chemists die, they barium.
I’m reading a book about anti-gravity. I just can’t put it down.
Why were the Indians here first? They had reservations.
I didn’t like my beard at first. Then it grew on me.
Did you hear about the cross-eyed teacher who lost her job because she couldn’t control her pupils?
When you get a bladder infection, urine trouble.
Broken pencils are pointless.
What do you call a dinosaur with an extensive vocabulary? A thesaurus.
I got a job at a bakery because I kneaded dough.
Velcro – what a rip off!
Don’t worry about old age; it doesn’t last.
You can tune a piano, but you can’t tuna fish.