Divorce

Divorce — Point-of-View

A judge was interviewing a Tennessee woman regarding her pending divorce and asked, “What are the grounds for your divorce?”

“About four acres and a nice little home in the middle of the property with a stream running by.”

“No,” he said, “I mean what is the foundation of this case?”

“It is made of concrete, brick, and mortar,” she responded.

“I mean,” he continued, “what are your relations like?”

“I have an aunt and uncle and 12 cousins living here in town, as well  as my husband’s parents.”

The judge took a deep breath and asked, “Do you have a real grudge?”

“No, we have a two-car carport and have never really needed one coz we don’t have a car.”

“Please,” he tried again, “is there any infidelity in your marriage?”

“Yes, both my son and daughter have stereos. We don’t necessarily like the music — all that hip hop and rap trap — but we can’t seem to do anything about it.”

“Ma’am, does your husband ever beat you up?”

“Yes, he gets up every morning before I do and makes the coffee.”

Finally, in frustration, the judge asked, “Lady, why in hell do you  want a divorce?”

“Oh, I don’t want a divorce,” she replied. “I’ve never wanted a divorce; my husband does. The damn fool says he can’t communicate with me.”

LEXIPHILIA – WHO ON EARTH DREAMS THESE UP?

LEXIPHILIA – WHO ON EARTH DREAMS THESE UP?

A lexophile, of course! (A lover of words, especially in word games, puzzles, anagrams, etc.)

Venison for dinner again? Oh deer!

How does Moses make tea? Hebrews it.

England has no kidney bank, but it does have a Liverpool.

I tried to catch some fog, but I mist.

They told me I had type-A blood, but it was a Typo.

I changed my iPod’s name to Titanic. It’s syncing now.

Jokes about German sausage are the wurst.

I know a guy who’s addicted to brake fluid, but he says he can stop any time.

I stayed up all night to see where the sun went, and then it dawned on me.

This girl said she recognized me from the vegetarian club, but I’d never met herbivore.

When chemists die, they barium.

I’m reading a book about anti-gravity. I just can’t put it down.

Why were the Indians here first? They had reservations.

I didn’t like my beard at first. Then it grew on me.

Did you hear about the cross-eyed teacher who lost her job because she couldn’t control her pupils?

When you get a bladder infection, urine trouble.

Broken pencils are pointless.

What do you call a dinosaur with an extensive vocabulary? A thesaurus.

I got a job at a bakery because I kneaded dough.

Velcro – what a rip off!

Don’t worry about old age; it doesn’t last.

You can tune a piano, but you can’t tuna fish.

Cold Water

Cold Water

This is for all the germ conscious folks that worry about using cold water to clean.

John went to visit his 90 year old grandfather in a very secluded, rural area of Saskatchewan.

After spending a great evening chatting the night away, the next morning John’s grandfather prepared breakfast of bacon, eggs and toast.

However, John noticed a film like substance on his plate, and questioned his grandfather asking, “Are these plates clean?”

His grandfather replied, “They’re as clean as cold water can get ’em. Just you go ahead and finish your meal, Sonny!”

For lunch the old man made hamburgers.

Again, John was concerned about the plates, as his appeared to have tiny specks around the edge that looked like dried egg and asked, “Are you sure these plates are clean?”

Without looking up the old man said, “Told you before, Sonny, those dishes are as clean as cold water can get them. Now don’t you fret, I don’t want to hear another word about it!”

Later that afternoon, John was on his way to a nearby town and as he was leaving, his grandfather’s dog started to growl, and wouldn’t let him pass.

John yelled and said, “Grandfather, your dog won’t let me get to my car.”

Without diverting his attention from the football game he was watching on TV, the old man shouted, “Coldwater, go lay down now, yah hear me!”

Meet Coldwater!
Have a fabulous STRESS FREE day!

Marriage in Heaven

On their way to the church to get married, a young Catholic couple were involved in a fatal car accident.

Being good Catholics, the young couple find themselves sitting outside the Pearly Gates waiting for St. Peter to process them into Heaven.

While waiting, they begin to wonder: could they possibly get married in Heaven?

When St. Peter finally showed up, they asked him.

St. Peter said “I don’t know. This is the first time anyone has asked. Let me go find out,” and he leaves them sitting at the Gate.

After three months, St. Peter finally returns, looking somewhat bedraggled. “Yes,” he informs the couple, “I can get you married in Heaven.”

“Great!” said the couple, “But we were just wondering, what if things don’t work out? Could we also get a divorce in Heaven?”

“You must be bloody joking,” says St. Peter, red-faced with frustration, slamming his clipboard on the ground.

“What’s wrong?” asked the frightened couple.”

“OH, COME ON!” St. Peter shouted “It took me three months to find a priest up here…..Do you have any idea how long it’ll take me to find a lawyer?”

Or Marriage in . . .

A guy brings his best golf buddy home, unannounced, for dinner at 6:30 PM after enjoying a day of golf.

His wife screams her head off while his friend sits at the kitchen table, open mouthed, listening to the tirade.

“My hair and makeup are not done; the house is a f__king mess, and the dishes are still in the sink. I’m completely exhausted! I didn’t get enough sleep last night. Can’t you see I’m still in my f__king pajamas? I can’t be bothered with cooking tonight! Why the f__k did you bring him home without letting me know ahead of time, you stupid asshole???”

“Because … he’s thinking of getting married…”